A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize