if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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