I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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