I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize