Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
