come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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