Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
