So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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