____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
