you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
