I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
