it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
