So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize