sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
