It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
