So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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