There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
