Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize
