Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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