summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
