Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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