So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
