A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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