I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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