The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
