i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
