The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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