Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
