so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
