If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize