I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
