remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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