I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
