Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
