He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
