There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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