dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
