dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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