Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
