Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
