someone get that fucking seahorse.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
