So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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