Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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