dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
