so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
