I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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