Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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