So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
