I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
