I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
