I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
