she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize