Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
