Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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