Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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