I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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