You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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