I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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